Relationships are complicated.That’s why Facebook lists: “It’s complicated” as an option when selecting your relationship status. Many of us form relationships with others, without being fully aware of the metaphysical, as well as subconscious impulses, that drive us to form bonds with certain people. This often happens in both the formation of romantic relationships, as well as it does in the formation of friendships.
It has taken years of experience for me to be able to quickly discern the driving force behind my attraction towards certain people, as well as their attraction to me, and I now have begun take heed of what I have learned and act accordingly.
In the past, I often ignored the tell tale signs of a one-sided dysfunctional friendship (some I inherited and felt as if I had no choice). I learned as a child to ignore the eccentricities and idiosyncrasies of most people. I was taught to love people as they came to you, as Jesus taught us. Although this is good advice, I learned later that, that advice did not mean that I should form bonds with certain people, or allow those people to form bonds with me. Some people, as the old folks use to say, you need to keep at arms distance.
There is a saying that is attributed to one of those elders, who happens to be our nation’s Poet Laureate, Dr. Maya Angelou, that me and my friends always repeat like a mantra: “When people show you who they are- Believe them!” Now we know that Dr. Angelou is often credited with sayings and all manner of things, that have been proven to be “Urban Legends,” but growing up in the presence of Dr. Angelou, where I was present to partake in her wisdom, this one sounds about right.
It has taken me many years to heed Dr. Angelou’s advice, in order to really “get it” and do what Iyanla Vanzant suggests: “When you see crazy coming down the street, cross over to the other side-Do not invite crazy over for dinner!” How many of us have ignored the tell tale signs that something simply was not quite right with a certain person, or our relationship with them, and chosen to engage them anyway, only to pay for not heeding what our spirits or minds was telling us way down the line (I call it selective sight. We often see, what we want to see)? Or how many of us have made the decision, over and over again, to engage and befriend people due to our need to be loved and feel important, therefore entering into a relationship with a deficit, thus seeking personal fulfillment by forming a bond with someone, who clearly was only in our lives only to take?
This may not pertain to you, and if it does not, then good for you! But I have had to reach a place of knowing, and learn to value what it is I bring to the table, and not always give my “goodies” away so freely. In other words, it has been a journey towards self-awareness and self-love. No longer do I simply invite people to my “Welcome Table” and say; “Come, sit, eat and partake of the fruits of my labor.” No longer do I acquiesce and agree to pla,\y second fiddle to those who sense my innate, yet dormant power and potential, but bask in and bank on the fact that, I have yet to arrive and take notice of my own gifts and talents.
Many have been cool to be my friend or confident, when I was struggling and had less than they had, but as soon as I began to gain confidence and enter into my stride, all of a sudden we did not have much in common, or did they have much to say in the realm of encouragement. Sound familiar? We have all done it… Agreed to play “Second Fiddle” to someone, when we knew good and well, that we are were not anyone's sidekick or any body’s underling.
Of course it’s all right to be a friend’s or a partner’s cheerleader, but when that partner or friend, depends on you to be that and only that, and can’t take it when it’s your turn to bask in the glow of success and recognition, then you know they have got to go!
I know that relationships are not about or better yet, should not be about competition, but you’ll find that to many people, they are. And we need to learn to sniff out that tendency before we enter into relationships where that dynamic is present. If certain people are vested in us, as well as the relationship, and are willing to be there and support us, during good times, bad times, through success and failure, during our triumphs and tribulations, then good! But if they simply need us to play “Second Fiddle” and hold our lights under a table, while they shine and get all the credit then “Hell no!”
Jesus said in Mathew 9:8: "In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven”. Then goes on to say in Matthew 9:15: "No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light”.
Make sure that you shine your light at all times and beware of those you try and stand in your way.
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