The Marriage Industrial Complex, Part 2--Spiritual Partnerships

In my first post on marriage, which I referred to as an industrial complex, I examined the institution’s current state, it's history and the many challenges that many people face in the attempt to fit their modern lives into what I deem to be an archaic set up ( I am not married so this is an outsider's view). Recently, author and leader in the New Thought Movement, Gary Zukav appeared on Oprah to discuss the concept of Spiritual Partnerships, which he says, is the new paradigm that will replace traditional marriage. I was truly happy that Oprah had Gary on to discuss this concept and present it to the world. Like myself, Gary Zukav believes that in order for people to become truly evolved, partnerships need to be formed with spiritual growth as the main focus and intention. M. Scott-Peck brought forth a similar vision for people who were looking for something deeper, and more meaningful than the current relationship model in his book The Road Less Traveled.

Spiritual Partnerships are formed with the intention that the two individuals are on a journey, and are together in order to assist one another first and foremost with spiritual growth. Meaning, the traditional roles of "wife" and "husband" that people believe they are forced to assume, are replaced not with another role, but with freedom to grow while learning what would be best for each individual, both practically and spiritually.
I recently experienced an example of this while hanging out with a friend on the beach in Ocean City, Maryland. We met a beautiful man who was with his three-year-old daughter walking along the beach. He lovingly pushed his baby girl in her stroller with the care of someone dedicated to the task at hand, showing her the beauty of the ocean and allowing the sun’s rays to shine lovingly on her beautifully brown and perfectly round little face. My friend, being much more open and outgoing than I, asked the brother what brought him to the beach during the day with his child. The man told us that he ran his own business and spent as much time with his three kids during the day when his wife, after giving birth to their children, proclaimed: "This is not for me!" He took over and became the primary caretaker of his children, since his wife did not feel suited to the traditional role of "mother". I was amazed at the ease with which this young man told the story. He obviously loved and was committed to his wife’s evolution as a person, and was able to accept that his wife felt more comfortable working. He did not force her to assume the role of caretaker and assumed the role himself. As a result, their relationship shifted its dynamic, with each partner assuming different roles in order to preserve the individuals identity. His wife went back to work and he started his own business. He was not afraid to take on a role that is usually reserved for the woman. He was much better suited at taking care of the children than his wife, so it worked for both of them. Both of them obviously wanted to see their family remain intact and both were willing to make the necessary adjustments. This is vastly different from what most people in relationships do, which is try to force each other to assume roles that do not reflect the truth of who they are. This, in my opinion, is what causes people to become despondent in relationships. This man and his partner's choice to do things differently is an example of being committed to your partner on both a practical and spiritual level. A new paradigm.
Gary also talked about how people in marriages and relationships end up so unhappy because people blame and judge each other, making the other person the scapegoat for their own emotional issues and the resulting unhappiness that stems from these issues. He advised couples to take responsibility for their own emotional well-being. He spoke about how maintaining happiness and contentment is first and foremost an inside job. He suggested that once people work on themselves and achieve inner peace, then the state of inner contentment will flow outward and positively impact the relationship. This differs vastly from the current paradigm that exists, of partners endless attempts to figure out how to make the other happy(which we all know is a futile pursuit). Happiness is first and foremost an inside job.
Oprah also brought up the fact that "romance" has really "screwed up" people’s expectations in relationships, and how many people create false expectations of their partners based on the fleeting feelings of romance. Of course neither Oprah nor Gary were suggesting that romance in itself is bad, but that true partnerships are firmly grounded in reality, not fleeting emotions. True partnerships are created intentionally, with both people aware of the work and level of commitment that is required for both individual and collective spiritual growth. It is based on expansion of the individual’s soul. Not, restrictions and control:"You do this to please me, and I do this to please you." And this mutual support exists even if it means that the person evolves beyond the realm of the relationship. Not and easy endeavor to consider, but it sounds much more inviting and liberating than ‘Till death do us part". And even if it is your intention to remain with your partner until death, in the ever-changing world that we live in, we need to make our intentions less permanent, learn to live in the present moment, and deal with the reality that "till death do us part" may not be as long as we think.

The Marriage Industrial Complex: Toward a New Paradigm

As a single 39-year-old woman living in New York City, at times I have had to deal with the societal stigma of remaining “Unmarried.” I feel that I handle it well in that I have learned to accept that being single is not a curse. I enjoy much more freedom than most of my friends who are married. I have had the time to become truly self-actualized. I know who I am and am clear about what I require as an individual to be happy and to remain sane. I did not know many of these things when I was 29 or 30. I did not know many of the things that I now know about myself a year ago.

This process of unfolding and of self- discovery could not have taken place; in my opinion in the realm of matrimony, as it currently exists. For me, marriage has in the past and for the most part continues to be a union based on ownership and the death of the individual, in favor of a collective identity, which is based upon an image or archetype that does not represent the truth of who the individuals happen to be or who the individual wishes to become. In marriage, the man for example, often becomes a symbol of strength and the dutiful provider. The woman is more often than not, is reduced to the role of mother and caretaker and both somehow not only lose the sacred spark that once flowed between them, but many of their personal dreams and aspirations go unsupported.

Now of course all marriages are not like this and all of us know at least one couple ,who for us represents the perfect union of “selves.” They are the couple that seems to be able to remain true to themselves and their relationship. They both have fulfilling careers and manage the arduous task of raising children seemingly effortlessly. They travel the world together, she sings he plays piano and there is not a hint that one is sacrificing their personal happiness or identity for the sake of the other. All is not perfect their world, of course, but they make it work beautifully like a well-performed duet with each one singing their part in perfect harmony. But this is not the case for most people I know.

For many, marriage has been a wake-up call and a struggle. I have witnessed people that I know, become less of who they were once married. Once vibrant and outgoing, they now are a mere shadow of thier former selves. I have also witnessed friends and family members endure physical, emotional and psychological abuse for the sake of the “union.” I have witnessed people stay in bad marriages because they were worried about what “others” would think if they divorced. Much fanfare, energy and money went into producing a fantastic wedding. Less went into the maintenance and support of the marriage. In my opinion this does not have to be.

For me, the reason why so many marriages end in divorce and end up destroying people’s lives (Many friends have proclaimed to me: “If I knew what marriage was really like, I would have never gotten married,”Or once divorced, say that they will never marry again: “It’s just not worth the trouble or the heartache.”) has to do with the unrealistic and archaic expectations that are placed upon people who get married. The current paradigm that exists simply does not match the reality and demands of modern day living. As a society we need re-examine and overhaul the current system and create a new paradigm that reflects the reality of who people are today. Women are feircely self suffcient and independent and no longer need to get married so that they can be protected under the law, and men no longer need to marry and have a house full of children so that can have help working the land. Those were some of the practical reasons that people got married centuries ago.

For me, modern times require that marriage exist as a sacrament between two individuals who agree to support each other in becoming better people. In that instance, people have to know a bit about themselves and what they really want. People have to ask each other questions to make sure that they are on the same page emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. More often than not, this is not the case. Comedian Chris Rock put it rather crudely: “If you are a Born Again Christian and your husband is a crack head, it ain’t gonna work.” The deeper message is if the essence of who you are is diametrically opposed to that of your partner it cannot work, but couples who barely have a clue about who they are and want they want rush to the alter everyday and sign up to participate in what has become an industrial complex, a business that is feuled by issuing tickets to enter instant "Holy Matrimony".

I say let’s create something that will help marriages serve individuals and families better than they are currently serving us. It benefits society when there are healthy and happy marriages. It creates strong families and stronger foundations and allows individuals to prosper. In support of this, why not offer free premarital classes where successful couples volunteer to share the secrets of their marriage's success? Also, make it mandatory that folks get at least 6 months of pre-marital counseling before they are eligible to apply for a marriage license. Provide a required reading list. One book that I happen to own is called 500 Hundred Questions You Should Ask Before You Get Married. It seems absurd but there are many things people neglect to ask each other like “Do you believe in Abortion” or “What role will religion play in the lives of our children.” These are all important questions that people need to ask each other. Ensure that couples take a financial management course. I have seen more marriages go down the drain because one person had a spending addiction or a gambling addiction that the partner was unaware existed.

I have a friend who is a Sexologist. He created a basic questionnaire called a "Joining Questionaire" that he would give to couples and ask them to complete. Most could not. They knew that if they asked themselves the hard questions now that they might not make it to the alter.

One thing I know is this: If I ever find someone who I would consider spending my life with I would require that we spend some serious time doing “The Work” and asking ourselves the hard questions upfront. I have watched too many of my friends experience a great deal of heartache and pain because their good intentions toward one another and their deep love for each other simply was not enough!

A good marriage is much more than chance or a twist of fate. Like most things in life, a successful marriage requires learned skills that require hard work and both an individual and collective comittment to growth and evolution.